Fear of the Unknown

It all started in November right before Thanksgiving. I had gotten a cold. I was feeling under the weather. My lymph nodes in my neck were swollen. It all seemed so normal. Now, I have an unidentified mass in my neck. And it has gotten so huge. Let me back up a bit.

I went to my primary care physician on December 20th. Right before Christmas is not the time to get for real sick. He pushed me to get into get some blood work done. Check my thyroid levels... have an ultrasound of the mass done. I complied. I went in the next day to get the test done, but they didn't reveal anything. Blood work all came back Normal. The ultrasound confirmed that I wasn't being a freak... there was a 2.5cm, unidentified mass on the left side of my neck and an enlarged lymph node too. My Dr. wanted me to go in for a CT scan now... It was scheduled for December 29th.

I went to my parents for Christmas. I brooded over the CT Scan. Was it really necessary? My parents pushed me too. My father had just had a diagnosis of an infected sebaceous gland. It seemed like I was following the same diagnostic time line. Why wouldn't they just send me to the specialist for a biopsy and get it over with. I returned to my primary Dr. on December 27th and canceled my CT appointment. They called the specialist at Upstate. The office was closed for the whole week. More waiting ensued.

New Years, I indulged in home-made gnocchi, English toffee,a lot of wine and time with friends. I sort of forgot about my lump and the choking feeling it was giving me. I waited some more... January 3rd my primary's office called. I had to have a CT and an FNA (fine needle aspiration) done before my appointment with the specialist. They were scheduled at Upstate on January 5th. Once the results were in the specialist would schedule my appointment.

I was so nervous to get the FNA done. I envisioned it being horrific. For some people it would have been, but I found that it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I hoped for relief when the results would show it was nothing. Unfortunately, the results were "Normal." But, the pathologist didn't get much material out of my lump. He said it was very fibrous, hard and showed signs of scaring. They didn't see any obvious cancer cells. I was kind of relieved. But, the pathologist did warn that they may have to repeat the procedure with ultrasound guiding in order to get a representative sample of the mass. I didn't feel complete relief because of that statement. The CT scan with contrast was easy. Packed waiting room, warming sensation and horrible chemical taste aside, I was in and out without much of an issue.

More waiting... less information. January 19th finally came. My specialist appointment was at the same hospital. Busy doctors office and the wait was about an hour and thirty minutes before I saw the Dr. He was immediately endearing. A very good quality in a a doctor. Given the long wait, I knew he was very busy, but he didn't act that way. As soon as he popped into my exam room, he had a warm smile mixed with an easy but caring demeanor. He quickly got into a description of what we could be dealing with. He spoke in easy but clearly knowledgeable terms and didn't sugar coat any of the possibilities. Cancer was uttered more than once. I felt good about this approach. I like to be aware of what I could be dealing with good and bad. I think it is better to be pleasantly surprised than devastated by a horrible diagnosis that you hadn't even thought about yet.

My voice was scratchy that morning and had been quite a few mornings before. I explained this to Dr. Hsu. He was concerned that if this lump was a tumor that it may have grown into my voicebox. He left the office to get a scope so he could look at my vocal cords. I wasn't too nervous yet. He came back and mentioned something about it feeling like a noodle going down my throat... that was not the case. He inserted a small scope in my nose and down my throat. It was tight feeling and I could taste the lubricant. It was a mix of metal and antiseptic and it was awful. But, it was over quickly and he didn't see anything that concerned him.

Onto the next test. The results from my first FNA being "normal" didn't satisfy Dr. Hsu. He asked if we had time to wait for the pathologist to come down to perform a second FNA. We did. We went out to the cafe in the lobby of the hospital. Dave drank some coffee and we shared a muffin. We ended up waiting for about an hour for the Pathologist to get out of there meeting. They came down and performed the FNA again. It was the same Resident and student who had started my FNA the last time. She only did one pass and wasn't happy with her results. She told me she'd get the Attending down here quickly to perform the subsequent passes as she didn't want to put me through any unnecessary pain. A very confident, dark haired, medium skin toned women strode into my curtained exam space. She quickly got to work. Her passes were confident where the residents were tentative. She continued with three passes of her own and was confident with the material that she collected. I was spent and very sore. They assesed the material... inconclusive again.

Dr. Hsu came back after a bit. They had passed the inconclusive result onto him. He explained that initial results like these usually stuck. That the further processing, didn't normally make for a clearer result. He wanted to look at his calendar and schedule a more invasive biopsy. One that would require me to be put under general anesthesia. Once he got into my neck, he'd know more. So, he sent me on my way.

Up next time... surgery.

House and Home

Eternal renovation progress!
We purchased our current home in 2006. We were going to sort of "flip" the house. We'd fix up the sad house on the hill and live in it all nicely renovated for a couple years. We have done a lot of work. We mostly meaning my husband, but I've helped too. But, four years later there is still so much to do. Life keeps getting in the way of completing the remodel.

Any helpful suggestions on how to make my in process remodel feel more homey?

Work

What is it about work that just makes your skin crawl? I wake up in the morning dreading work. I roll out of bed and go through my whole morning routine just hating life because soon I'll have to go to work. I imagine that it is my job in particular that I hate, but I can't be sure. Sometimes I think about what other kind of work I could be doing and I think that I'd end up hating that too.

What is it about us American's that we really feel we need to work so much. I'm all in favor of everyone pulling their own weight in a society, but I often feel like we've got it all wrong here. Slaves to the dollar day in and day out. Working so hard for that weekend, those holidays the two week vacation. It's all so unbearable.

I dream about days where I could own my own business. Provide a service or some merchandise that will actually make a difference in someone's life. I envision feeding people scrumptious desserts or maybe showing them a new hobby. My husband has talked about a sporting goods store because there isn't really one in our small town. A chain store opened up recently, but it doesn't have much beyond sporty clothing. We were talking more about paddle sport gear and the like. Doesn't that sound fun? I'm sure it would have it's own drawbacks. Finding qualified and dependable employees. Making ends meet. Fulfilling a true need in the community... dealing with the community. All sound like great and exciting problems to solve.

What do you do for work? Do you like it? If not, why?

Kitchen Island

I am totally smitten with this island.

http://www.napastyle.com/assets/product_images/styles/large/50000.jpg

The recycled barn board. The cubbies where everything has its place. The secret hiding spot. My kitchen would be completely transformed by this island. Unfortunately... It's on sale (How often do you here that) just under $1000. I could justify the expense for this lovely creation, but my husband can't.

My uncle has created our built in cabinetry for our kitchen. It's beautiful. Maybe, I could commission him to build this for me? I feel like I've already occupied too much of his time. Hubby isn't a craftsman quite like my Uncle is. I think he could be, but he doesn't have the vision of himself that I do.

Any suggestions on how to sell my husband on this island?

Dogs.

I love dogs. Well, most dogs. I seriously can't imagine my life without my dog. He is a 100lbs Black Lab - Great Dane mix. He's a very handsome and goofy boy.
This is Foster Rood McBean, aka Foster, McBean, Bean or just B. It's funny how names evolve or de-evolve in this case. He is treated much like a child... besides the part where we leave him home alone all day while we're at work. We love Foster tons. He's turned in to a very big part of our family.

Current thoughts on adding children to our life.

I'm still considered a newlywed. My husband and I tied the knot October 10th 2008. We'd been together for 9 years at that point. In that much time, you end up talking about everything... including children.

I've never been one of those women who longed for a baby. I'm an only child and I just don't have that much experience with babies. I can see their appeal, but I'll never be the lady in the office or at the party that begs to hold your child.

That being said, I imagine that I'll be a good mother. I have an instinct. I take good care of my husband and our pet family. (Well, maybe not good care of the cats, but I just don't like them that much.) I worry about things that mother's should worry about. I provide healthy food that I make with love. I can see a baby fitting in with our family at some point.

My husband didn't want children when we were younger... but he wants one now. He has been consumed by baby fever! He talks about it every week. I was very resistant at first. I pushed back and said, "Maybe next year. Remember we're planning our real honeymoon trip for next year." (we're currently saving for a trip to Iceland) And, "Remember, I'm supposed to do the 70 miler with you." He keeps saying "OK." But, I can feel the disappointment in his voice.

So, he's wearing me down. Now we're talking about baby names. I'm still not giving in completely. I do want to wait to start trying for a baby until next year. I want our long term renovation project to be more complete. I want to take that trip. I want to paddle in that race, at least once. I really feel like these things aren't excuses, just things I need to do before I shift focus to a child. I know I'll change. I know that I will be consumed by that child at first. That the rest of my life will fall away and he or she will be the most important thing. I'll have to shift my life around to revolve around that baby for sometime. I don't want to regret never going on that trip... never pushing myself to finish that race.

Still, I feel my biological clock ticking away. I'll be 30 in April. I don't think that is old really, but physically it might be. Fertility wise, I might be pushing my luck. Early menopause is part of my genetic past. I don't have any older mothers in my family. They all had their children early in life. My mother was only 18 when she had me. My parents tried to have another child when my mother was a bit younger than I am now... that didn't happen. It was a sad time when my brother was lost before he could be born. So, I worry that I've waited too long to grow up. I worry that I'm being selfish to hold out until next year.

Do you have plans for children?

Seeing it better.

Why is it that when death hits you close to home you start seeing it everywhere?
My grandfather passed away on July 3rd at about 7am. Howard Preston was my paternal grandfather. I loved him dearly in spite of his short comings. I give him credit for being a loving husband to his wife, a father to eight children and a grandfather to 23 grandchildren. He lead a full life but passed away due to complications from Alzheimer's at the age of 83.

I like to remember him best from the dulling memories of my childhood, his eyes still shining. I'd like to hold onto that image of him and smash the image of him in death from my thoughts. My husband and I attended a service filled with fond memories, love and laughter. There were tears, but only with smiles behind them. It is always hard to lose those closest to you. A hard blow even when we all know it is inevitable.

Howard suffered from Alzheimer's for the last few years of his life. He forgot more and more. In a way, he was already gone when the spark of life left his body. I saw it with clarity at my wedding in October 2008. He smiled up at me with child like eyes full of wonder at the reception. He had no idea who I was right then, but I knew he was enjoying himself. The candle light and the castle, each emotion a fleeting moment in the flickering light. It makes me a bit sad reflecting back on the goodbye that night. In many ways it was a good bye of monumental proportions. I couldn't know at the time, but it really was a final goodbye.

Hiding from the inevitable only makes the shock of reality more difficult when it comes. Each life on this planet is undeniably short. I find it sad to think that I've let nearly 30 years of mine slip on by. I can only hope and strive to make the next 30 evermore memorable. I will strive to see it in the light of hope, love and laughter. I will strive to make a positive impact on those around me that I already know and to make more, lasting relationships with those I've yet to meet.

I'm trying to take a better look at life through the loss of it.